you are a deftly turned phrase, an etymological landscape, a home by the sea • you are a compilation of more than sixty samples overlaid on top of a digitally synthesized 70s funk groove • you are the message on cassette tape long after it has been recorded over • you are, as such, the eraser head’s self-validating ideal of order • you are a festering war wound incurred in a skirmish in the war between the U.S. and canada over rights to a pig farm strategically located on what is now referred to as the world’s longest undefended border , making you a better meteorologist than any one of the “big three” networks, or the CBC for that matter, can muster • you are used & abused • you are a distressed property bought by Tom Vu & sold for an outrageous profit • you are ossifying sweat on Robert Plant’s performance towel, now in the possession of a man who is thinking about auctioning it off because he has decided he would rather listen to “new country” • you are an onion ring with an identity crisis on the Korona Restaurant’s “Transylvanian Meat Platter” • you are an easy-riding h that just knew you would be stopped by police , cuffed, hauled in & strip searched while you were making your way through the mountains in Georgia • you are everything your mother had hoped for, & more • you are track-lighting gone bad, a one-time energy saver now driving a gas-guzzling ’71 Impala • you are considering touching that dial • you are a pretence to universality • you are the top quark • you are one of a family of Dirt Devil ™carpet cleaners • you are wondering at this moment whether you are merely a cleverly disguised rip-off • you are a foreign agent who accidentally ruptured an emergency cyanide tooth cap just before your rendez-vous with a thin man in a lumber jacket standing by a garbage can on the patio of a McDonald’s in Paris , who was to receive an attaché; case containing vital information photo reduced on microfilm which, of course, you have no prior knowledge of • you are a mispronounced word with eyes stuck in an awkward position just like your parents warned you they would, trying to get a date with one of the cool chicks in your high school & having difficult time of it • you are fibre ingested by a septuagenarian to promote regularity • you are a face in the crowd • you are secretly responsible for both the mysterious circles appearing overnight in British grainfields & getting the soft-flowing caramel into the Caramilk™ bars • you are not using the Force, Luke. • you are fucked up in your own special way • you are toiling, neither do you spin • you are your own secret twin preparing to make an appearance on Ricki! • you are an immediately perceptible phenomenon elevated to the level of theological unity • you are accurate to a depth of 30m • you are pecs on your pecs • you are thrown out for lack of evidence • you are a nested loop • you are getting sleepy • you are an ode to the west wind • you are made in your own image • you are wanted & loved ...as if • you are a case of halitosis , gingivitis , dandruff & split ends all rolled up into one • you are a granny knot undone by an older & wiser scout leader • you are a piece of performance art that deep down inside wants to be a bust of Beethoven sitting on a Steinway grand piano • you are a primal scream trying to differentiate yourself from an existential scream • you are a hockey stick broken over the spine of a 19th century hunchback you figured had no business playing street hockey in the first place • you are a healthy Hi-Pro™ glow • you are having paranoid delusions that a figure much like Henri Matisse’s “Blue Nude” is following you around trying to get you to join the Jehovah’s Witnesses • you are the distance between the hyperbolic curve and the y-axis • you are what you eat • you are a reified universal transcendental signifier • you are kind of pissed off that you were never given the choice of whether to be a sequitur or not • you are, and if you aren’t, who is? • you are not enough to get over the threshold • you are getting even sleepier • you are a fine piece of work, you are • you are a stupid English k(o)n-ig(g)ht • you are currently in search & destroy mode • you are a 60-cycle hum • you are a refutation of the Special Theory of Relativity • you are a parade of endless details • you are the lusts of your father • you are wondering at the audacity of some people who like to tell you just who they think you are you are synaptic information lost in the aphasic shuffle • you are a means of production • you are the line cut out of the final edit by some guy using a PowerBook in a cheesy local Laundromat, or if you aren’t you wish you were • you are being completely irrational • you are the wrong answer on the multiple choice section of the LSAT • you are feeling quite overwhelmed , you must say • you are exactly what they’ve been looking for,and that should frighten you • you are the significant answer in an inkblot test • you are well on your way • you are the space between the heavens and the corner of some foreign field • you are rendered completely useless • you are a B- grade on a C paper • you are so beautiful, to me • you are unconsciously acting upon your cultural biases • you are a game of tic-tac-toe that, after dealing with an inferiority complex, beat up a game of “globalthermonuclearwar” and kicked the shit out of Pentagon computers • you are on your way to the store to get a litre of milk, when this cow with the head band antlers of a moose sporting black head and over his left eye comes up to you and says “ you are on your way to the store to get a litre of milk, when this cow with the head and antlers of a moose sporting black eyepatch over his left eye comes up to you and says “you are...... • you are the weak argument in an elaborate doctoral thesis • you are the miracle cure for halitosis, gingivitis, dandruff & split ends all rolled up into one, at least that’s what your 19th century procurer, “Dr. Morgan”, says as he travels from town to town trying to sell you • you are not butlet’s say you are • you are your favourite letter of the alphabet except h cuz that has already been taken • you are an asshole (ee-o-ee-ole) • you are a soliloquy on a barren heath in a play which inspired Shakespeare’s “King Lear” but has been lost for many centuries, last documented in the Earl of Derby’s private collection, 1723 • you are billed as the “nicotine patch to the world” • you are everything you want in a drugstore • you are only as good as the next guy • you are the eggman,you are the eggman, you are the walrus(kookookechoo) • you are shovelling shit in a Roman stable • you are dead now, so shut up! • you are in the process of being palimpsested • you are an incestuous mess • you are available only through this limited TV offer • you are the party of the first part • you are a no-good, lazy son-of-a-bitch • you are often replaced by an apostrophe • you are a big waste of time, for the most part • you are a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more • you are surely mistaken • you area detachable penis • you are therefore you think • you are the side effects of performance enhancing drugs • you are a bad case of blue-balls • you are boldly going where no man has gone before, but only as the disposable crew member who happens to be dumb enough to talk a lump of painted grey styrofoam & therefore, in my humble opinion, deserves to get it anyway • you are translated into 20 different languages • you are not smart, just hard working • you are a painting bought solely for the frame • you are the one really likes it, really • you are not a machine, you are a human being • you are corn, but we call it maize • you are dumb enough to spend your time typing out endless statements that begin with “ you are” just to make a point and try to get some laughs, neither of which,in retrospect, you believe you will succeed in • you are the owner of the secret decoder ring, and as such have a right to be president of the club • you are the interest accrued by overnight by some clever electronic banking maneuver • you are, and if you aren’t you should be • you are misspelled in a grade six spelling bee by a kid who will eventually serve 8 years in jail for manslaughter • you are better than bad,you’re good • you are a quote within a quote desperately trying to escape • you are a most noble swain • you are in absentia • you are engaging in self-nullifying behaviour • you are a vague sense of alienation masked by a friendly, conversational atmosphere • you are a dentist, you take delight in causing great pain • you are the kind of apathy that can only be generated by the “spoken-” vs.“written-” word debate • you are a self-consuming artifact • you are an unimportant stanza in an unimportant Bob Southey epic • you are the neurochemical dopamine bridging the gap between the tail of one synapse and the head of another during a bout of particularly raunchy sex with a not-quite-loved one • you are an instance of pre-emptory teleology • you are living in a post-theory, post-language writing,post-sound-poetry, post-literate age, so let’s stop writing crap that pretends that you aren’t • you are going to sell out the first chance you get • you are yawning -- stop it! • you are a persnickety line removed at the friendly request of an editor who thinks its potential offensiveness is enhanced by the mere fact of its referential obscurity • you are all out toget me, damn you! • you are mixing memory with desire • you are sitting with a soggy ass at some reading in High Park really wishing you were somewhere else • you are a portable Greek reader that is going to party like it’s 1999 • you are going on with your doggy life • you are the interplay between the quotidian& the extraordinary • you are a Captain’s log, supplemental • you are a metonymic slide • you are a pipefitter with a penchant for Descartian ontology • you are everyday people • you are believing this crap they’re feeding you • you are thinking that you looked better before the makeover • you are a bird, no, wait, you are a plane, no, hell! you’re superman! • you are an uninterrupted series of dots that hasn't come to terms with being a line yet • you are an ill-used neural cluster removed to get at a deep-seated brain tumour • you are fading away when you would rather be burning out • you are a linguistic trap set to catch some good eatin’ possum • you are eleven benevolent elephants • you are damp semen soaked into the centrefold • you are a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola corporation • you are the supreme arbiter and lawgiver of music • you are woman, hear you roar • you are never going to amount to a hill of beans in the world • you are bad advice foisted on some love-sick puppy • you are an axiom proved false • you are the cruelest month • you are an error in grammar identified by the latest in word processing technology • you are flown to your destination on Delta Airlines • you are the book in the spirit machine • you are a dadaist who needs to love & be loved • you are hoping that you will never have to hear that fucker read his damn poem again but are resigned to that fact that you probably will • you are in more closets than you wish to admit • you are someone with the debilitating habit of cutting against the grain • you are going, going, gone • you are a likely consumer of rubber nipples • you are a long-lost jazz score that no one would have played anyway • you are a last will & testament • you are an unceremonious exit